William Blake

The Human Abstract

From Songs of Experience

Pity would be no more
If we did not make somebody poor,
And Mercy no more could be
If all were as happy as we.

And mutual fear brings Peace,
Till the selfish loves increase;
Then Cruelty knits a snare,
And spreads his baits with care.

He sits down with holy fears,
And waters the ground with tears;
Then Humility takes its root
Underneath his foot.

Soon spreads the dismal shade
Of Mystery over his head,
And the caterpillar and fly
Feed on the Mystery.

And it bears the fruit of Deceit,
Ruddy and sweet to eat,
And the raven his nest has made
In its thickest shade.

The gods of the earth and sea
Sought through nature to find this tree,
But their search was all in vain:
There grows one in the human Brain.

Feel free to do a comment and appreciation on this piece and share with me your thoughts on this...

Would I still then...

J'ai écrit l'année dernière ceci sur mon anniversaire...
J'aime ma mere.
Pas Vous??
_____________________

I am not a very expressive person when it comes to feelings. I guess there have many times as I was growing up I have made my parents very upset. But my pride or the fact that the storm blows off quick, I have never had the need to say sorry to them to apologize for my misdeeds or what ever. Not the sorry that we say when we forget to do something they have asked us to. But the REAL sorry that comes from our hearts that we feel a release.
I hope there will never come a day where I have to have big regrets by leaving before them (or “Asian taboo-thought”, them before me) and not apologizing to them.

Perhaps some things are better left unsaid.
Perhaps they are not meant to be said.
Perhaps they do not even need to be said.

The implicit understanding that parents have of their children makes it possible for the relationship to continue without a word SORRY. Unlike in many cases of other relationships with elders, friends, with peers, with lovers, with people we know. But is it on the part of the child then to take this implicit understanding for granted?
We seriously do not know.
Should we?
Can we?

I once asked my mom for a loan. It was for some fluff-related media course that I wanted to take. My friend was asking for a loan from her mom and her mom agreed.
So I thought, Why not.

She said no.

I was puzzled, “Why not? I will pay you back when I work.” (I was having a temporary job with MTV Asia then, selling the awards merchandise and I was just waiting for the pay check.)

She said plainly, “No. I will not.”

I was livid. Again I asked, “Why not! It is a loan. It’s not that I am not going pay you back.”

She kept quiet and went away.

The next morning I went to her again asking the same question; before she went off to work (and that was a day before the due date for the course.)

Then she went into a rage.

“How can you ask me for a loan? I am your mother. I cannot loan it to you, I can only GIVE IT to you. You hurt me by asking me for a loan. How can I loan it to you? If you wanna talk about loans, if our relationship was on that basis of lending and return; then what about the years I have fed you, clothed you, let you have a roof over your head, given you an education.
How are you going pay me back?

You can’t you cannot do that.
I cannot lend it to you. I can only GIVE it to you. But we are not well off, you know. Yes, I may have that four hundred dollars now, but what if an emergency occurs. What if we do need that 400 bucks.”

By then she was crying.
So was I. I was still baffled then. She went off to work.

That afternoon she called home.
“If you wanna join the course, just take 400 from my account my card is on the drawer, you know the number.”

Hurrah then? Of course me being the head strong stubborn daughter refused.

Nah. Actually it was then that I understood.

My relationship with my mom is a sacred in the sense that, she is willing to give me all I want even at the detriment of her own life. Just look at the hours she slogs in the office and only to come back to a family of sloths. I included.
I guess it is time for me to be more giving like her. Not to expect much from others, even if appreciation isn’t there. We are a bunch of ungrateful brats.
Truly.

I can’t recall a time when we were really in need of anything or in dire straits. She kept it all to herself. And at the same time, as gave us what we wanted and she was always there. In fact for most part of my life, “There too often” so much so that I felt stifled.

She gave us vacation-trips, gifts, time, love, everything. EVERYTHING.

I mean, get me another child like me. A family not too well off but has been to trips to America, Mauritius, Canada, Australia etc. Get me one. Hardly possible.

We have been so provided for that sometimes I feel crippled.
I do not know the intricate details, I do not look at details.Period.
For example,

“What is needed in an insurance policy, what should I look out for.”

“What details to look for in jobs.”
It all just fell in place for me before.
Why because she was there to help.

Now, as I am surrounded by my clothes, packing my pile of cleanly laundered clothes; that she has washed and folded. And have been sitting on my chair for the past week as I have been working late into the nights at my new job. I know she is preparing food and cleaning up the house for visitors who will come to my place tomorrow for my birthday.

I wonder.
What sacrifices has she made in her life.
She got married as I am about to be 22; to a man like my father. An unexpressive man, except for the slash of the tongue. He loves her dearly though they quarrel. I have never seem him lift a hand at her. I think it is because he knows the sacrifices she has made.

He has always compared me to my mom. With a lady like that, how can I fight? There are no grounds for competition.

She had a couple of suitors when she was young. What made her choose my dad 7 years her senior? A traditional maleist with an ancient Chinese attitude.
Rather then now… Preparing stuff for my birthday, cleaning the kitchen.
Looking tired, with soggy fingers.
Smelling of washing detergent

Could she have done better then?
Would she be decked in diamonds?
Wearing Prada, driving a Mercedes?
Having Hi Tea?

Would I then still be her daughter?

The corn is as high as an elephant's eye...

I miss Oklahoma.







Red Rock. Beautiful place.







EDIT

added cos LEO WANTED HIS FACE SEEN.


I think it is the obvious lack of humans in the vast landscape that makes me happy..
*winks and twitches nose*

Din see no corn there though.

Ello elloz..The Malicious Devil speaking

Haven't been updating for quite some time. My Bad.
Started on three entries prior to this but left unfinished..too lazy too uninspired or just self censorship.

While some people write for the public. I write for the private.
While their repercussion come in way of public furor.
Mine would shaken my worldly existence as those nearest would see my thoughts clearest.

But I have decided.
I write the crap I write, You read the crap I write.
Take it at face value.
Take it as rants.
Take it whatever way you want it.
Manipulate it. Thow it back at me it.
*shrugs*

Not that there are much to my thoughts anyhow.

Mwahahha.. It's the Malicious Devil speaking not me..
If you read my worldview paper you'd understand.

Once I find that camera wire thingy and upload my photos.
I'll present that bloody bugger that left many bites on my feet/legs..my soles especially.
Revenge is sweet.

One can be angry with the world
But one cannot be angry with the self.
The rage eats within.
Till nothing is left.

_______________
Hmm anyway...
Imaginary friends are imaginary for a reason.
They exist awhile. A figment.
And then they disappear.
And you wonder if they really were imaginary .
Or were they actually friends.